Welcome to 2011

When I started my blog it was an incentive to write more. Big shock here......I havent been blogging. So New Year New start. I am going to try for at least once a week. On what ever, where ever kind of routine. The new year is off to a fast paced start since its already the 17th of January. Makes me wonder where the first 15 days of the year have disapeared to already. Before you know it; it will be the end of the month again. My main goal I suppose is going to be to finish the rough draft of my book this year. I am really starting to find a writing routine with it the past couple of weeks. In the advice of Kelley Armstrong; I have stoped being the constant editor and I just want to get it out and on the page. So wish me luck. I wish I could say that everything that I wanted to accomplish last year was but sadly, no. I am working on all of that this year too. Health wise I am starting over this year and from scratch. I want to take my mom's lead and get healthier this year. MY GOAL 75lbs by next winter. Gives me Twelve months should be a realistic goal for me. I started reading a Blog by another person I know she is a foodie and trying to mix her love of food with her love of fitness. I am trying to read it and take something out of it. She has some really lovely food idea's I am wanting to try. I have been diligent with going to my Full Figured Fitness Class as well. I absolutley love Tara she is a wonderful inspiraton since she has been where I am now and has changed her life. Its nice to have someone who understands where I am and where I want to be. If this all works out for me I am going to owe her alot of thanks. Inspiration is a major important thing and I am glad I found her to learn from. Blessed really. So My goal with this blog this year is going to be my struggle with weight loss, healthier living and a happier lifestyle. Wish me luck!

I kissed a?

I read the most retarded story on the internet today about an 18 year old senior in a small Mississippi town. Constance McMillen is a outted Lesbian and all she wanted to do was to take her Girlfriend to the highschool prom and wear a tux when her girlfriend wore a dress. The Itawaba County school board wouldn't let her have any girl or boys dream of finishing their senior year and taking her loved one to the highschool prom. In our society where tolerance is what most of us live everyday and this issue is around all of us on an everyday basis; I was mortified. The school board instead of letting her attend cancelled the prom for everyone. She is from a small american town of 28,000; now tell me going back to school after that decision wasnt hard. Highschool is hard enough without being different but to be singled out for the prom and who you can and can't go with? Seriously, isnt there a whole lot worse things that are out there to worry about? Like the war? Health care? I am sorry when did our civil freedoms take a step back to the 1800's? When wasnt it ok to love whoever you want to? I understand that there are alot of intolerance in our world and there probably always will be because there is to much from the past that wont allow it to be any different. Everyone deseves to be who they are no matter what there sexual orientation, race or religion. I am extremely pissed off that in 2010 that this is still an issue. I know I blog about my own issues and my own secrets but you know after today it made me think.... I kissed a boy and I love it, but I kissed a girl and I loved it too!! We all need to be who we are or we die inside becoming something that just suffocates you. I suppose this has become my first step to being who I am. Yeah me! I am almost free!

Out with the old

So I had been holding onto my old wedding dress. I call it old because I have been divorsed now at least four years. I have no idea why I have held onto it for as long as I have really. Since the best thing that could have happened was Adam getting the hell out of my life. When I moved last August I still kept it when all the rest of the wedding paraphanila went to the dump. Its not like I would EVER wear it again. People hold onto things for the strangest reasons. I couldnt tell you why I ever kept it. Divorse is final and should end everything that the marriage had stood for. Not like mine stood for anything really aparently. Anyways my friend Tab sent me an email about two months ago asking me if I still had it. I was like "Ya!" She was inquiring because a really good friend of her's is getting married and was in the market for a cheaper used dress. I sat at my desk and actually thought about keeping it. "What the hell for?" I have no idea why I even thought about it. I sent her a response email saying I was willing to part with it for $300.00 if her friend was interested. This weekend I parted with my OLD wedding dress to a very nice lady. I wish her all the best in her married life starting it off in my beautiful Old dress; Which on my wedding day made me feel like a princess. All the best to you Trish and Dave on your upcoming nuptials. I set you free wedding dress and its the last tie to you ex-husband so in this I will say.... Finally Good ridence!

It's easier to be afraid then to be brave!

Well here I made a promise to write more and I havent. Yeah me I suppose for being a big giant chicken. I suppose sometimes its easier to be afraid and live a lie then be brave and live the truth. There are a lot of things that scare me. Change being the major one. Being myself is the other. It really is easier to be what others want you to be. (The Perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect wife/girlfriend, the perfect what the hell ever it is they want you to be.) But deep down its harder to be who you really are. In alot of cases we all hide parts of ourselves from the people we care about afraid of what they might think or what others might think of them because of what they think of you. Does this sound confusing? Well trust me its very confusing. I struggle everyday with who I am. If this sounds like a riddle I guess it is. Those who are the closest to me with understand when they read this what I am talking about. Those who I want to know my heart and soul will understand this as well. I dont know if I am really ready to be brave like Miki and shout out who she is to the world; without the fear of reprecussions regarding her own choices. I love her for that. She is fearless. Today I wanted so much to write all about my heart and soul but I still can't seem to find my own words or the strength I need to say it. Today I had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine and told him all about whats in my heart and hides in my soul. He just laughed and said he already knew. Funny how those who know you best figure it out on their own. I am hoping that someday soon I can share with everyone I love what it is that I keep hidden and protected. Because I want to be brave not afraid.

Tis the Season

It's almost upon us. That season that for some seems like a happy time and for others not so much. I can to the realization about a month ago that as this year comes to a close there are some major changes I want to make in my life. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to write. I don't mean piddling around writing either. I want to finish my book that I keep starting and never finishing. I had the pleasure in November to meet one of my favorite Canadian Authors, Kelley Armstrong. I got a chance to talk to her for a little bit after her book signing. My biggest problem writting is that I am a constant editor. I never think it is ever good enough so I am at a stand still. She said to me to stop being the constant editor and just get it onto the paper. She said that we are allowed to write shit the first draft. Which makes sense. I have always found people tell me my poetry is really good but I just always passed it off and said ya ya whatever. The truth is I am afraid. I know sounds like a pretty stupid reason not to do something you love to do. Its a self esteem thing I think. Even though I know I dont suck we are all afraid of failure and disapointment. I know a grown up thought coming out of my mouth. At 34 years old I should think this way all the time. So my goal is to finish the rough draft of my book by the end of Next year by the latest. The other thing I want to change in my life is the fact that I love music and I want to play more and write more. One of the ways I hope to acheive this one is an old friend of mine named Ryan. He promised to get together with me and help me write some music. Which I am truely going to try and acheive. I also have decided I need to live a healthier life style so I am going to attept to deal with my obesity. I am happy the way I am but I do want to live longer and maybe have kids and grandkids one day. I look around me and I havent really been that happy kind of at a stand still. I love my friends, my family and my boyfriend I just feel like I am a little lost sometimes which hasnt made me the happiest person to be around the past couple of months. Some things need to move forward and I need to grow into my environment a little more again. I feel that I need something a little different in my life and I am going to try some new things to acheive that feeling. Just as the winter season has changed and become cold I to am going to change. I am going to love a little more, smile a little more and laugh alot more. I am going to be more like the me I am destined to be. Seasons greetings everyone!

Red Roses

Red Roses,
A simple symbol of love.
It was nice after 8 years finally to get some. For no reason but he was actually thinking about me. Nice to be thought of not because he did something wrong but because he actually was thinking about missing me. They are sitting on top of my TV stand in my front room now. I smile thinking how pretty they are. How something so simple can make you smile for awhile. Love is the question. How much love one person has for another. Is it truely enough to make you stay or is their something else that holds you around. Does one nice gesture make up for the times where you feel alone and taken advantage of? Its something to think about really. At least he finally realized he misses me when I'm not around.

October

Here we go again. October is upon us already. Weird how its already Fall. Where did the summer go? All the thoughts that run through the sunbunnies heads this time of year. I Think Yeah! Thanksgiving... then Halloween. Halloween is like christmas for me. I love it this time of year where I can step out of my bubble and be someone else. Yes I know I always tend to gravitate towards the Vampire. I have no idea the thrill or the thought being a Vampire is to me. I just wish I was one. There is this great qoute I heard "When all other little girls dreamed of being ballarina's I dreamed of being a vampire" I think all the time how great it would be. Its not the thought of blood drinking or being dead that I like its the living forever thing I think. A romantic notion of vampires. No not Edward Cullen; but Lestat! Oh yes I am a true lover of Edward Cullen too but in a fight Lestat wins my heart. His wit, his charm, his evil nature too I love him for his honesty. Yes its October and I relate it to Vampires how funny is that. Halloween is where I can be me. I suppose thats why I love it the way I do. October may be colder then August but its still my favorite time of year. Enjoy the spooks and treats this year my friends and remember in a fight.... Vampires will beat you everytime.