I am so Blessed

I have no idea even where I am at today.... Confusion and loss maybe. It always seems like I start thinking about where I think I am in my life when I start to lose my mind. I think what have I done that ended me up here and now? When I was 19 life seemed pretty simple. Get married, Have a couple of kids, Buy a house, Teach... now at 34 I wonder where I am at in my life. Divorsed, no kids, no house and I am not teaching. Some may think that I am pretty unhappy about things but really I'm not. I think that I am blessed with a great family I was born with. A great family I have adopted (my bestfriend and her kids). I look around at my friends that I've lost and gained and I think how blessed it makes me to have known each and everyone. One of my friends is not afraid to be who SHE wants to be no matter what anyone might think of her. She is strong. I on the other hand seem weak in comparision. I have always said I am not afraid of who I am or who I wanted to be . Lately, on the other hand, I am not so sure. I am at that crossroads where fear sets in and tries to take over who you are. Making you doubt your choices. I think that even though I am afraid at least those closest to me know me well enough to understand me. I am surrounded by people who are truely non-judgemental. People who like me for the crazy me, the quiet me, the romantic me, the angry me, the shy me, the loud abnoxious me and the poetical me. That makes me blessed to know that My bestfriends son refers to me as his dad to all his friends, regardless of what they might think. I am blessed her daughter looks at me and says whats on her mind. I am blessed her youngest hugs me and tells me he loves me to the moon. It makes me think I have made an impact on someone else and who they are turning out to be. Today, even though, I think I am lost and at a crossroads with who I am and what I really want in my life; I know one thing I am truly blessed for and that is for the amazing people I have around me that share my life and my everyday life!

If today was your last day?

If today was your last day.....What do you think you'd do? No one really ever thinks that today is the day; but it does happen. The older you are the more likely it's going to happen. No one goes to bed and says goodbye for the last time. We all expect to be here when we wake up. Live each day like its your last. Never forget who you are or where you come from. Remember to take chances because tommorow may never come. There are no Coincidences in life. No second chances because you only live once. Live it like it means something. Do not go through life thinking its a free ride. Because tommorow you might now be here to enjoy the simple things. Kiss your loved ones like its the last time, love like its the only time its going to happenl.

Today

mmm its where to start....sometimes its easier I think to say goodbye to something. There is this saying that goes "If you love something set it free. If it returns to you it was ment to be. If it doesnt then it was never ment to be" Today is a hard day. Blogging strangly enough seems to sooth my soul. I don't know how you let go of something you love. Whether its a good friend or a lover , a soul mate, a death in your family even a pet eventually you might have to let it go.

Untilted for Ty

I remember the night it happened,
See the blood,
Hear the bullet as it enters his body.
Remember the scream….
Is it me, I’m not sure anymore,
Things are going by like a swift December wind.
Watched him tumble to the ground,
Like a mass of broken bricks.
I tried to catch him, but couldn’t move…
….Frozen as if paralysis had taken over,
I regained my strength,
And rushed to his side,

…I cried…
I felt for a pulse, a heartbeat, something,
To know he was still alive.
But there was so much crimson blood,
Instinct told me to hinder it,
Reached out slowly, covered the holes with my hands,
Never realized how fast blood flowed
Or how much there was in the human body.
“Oh God”
“It’s on my sweater!”
I kept rubbing…
..it moved further up my arms before long,
they were infested with it.
“how long can he survive like this?”
Have to get him out of here.
“Help me get him in the car. I don’t want him to die!”
Someone told me not to bother…
I refused to believe,
He couldn’t be.

Not now,
Not after everything we’ve been through,
Threw myself to his blood ridden chest.
Someone pulled me off
“Say goodbye”
they took me home that night ,
covered in his blood.
He’s dead, I live.
Washing it off seemed to take forever.
It feels like its still there….
On my hands,
On my face,
On my clothes.
No funeral, and to everyone who knew him,
…No Body….

The Ancient Japanese Garden

There is a coldness in the air.
The frost has disappeared,
And the fish have been replaced.
Looking into the murky water,
The red licorice fish swim.

On a cedar bench,
The porceline, china dolls watch,
The dance of the warrior,
Buried in an ancient Japanese garden.
Solitude has brought them to life
Day dreaming in the garden.