Tis the Season

It's almost upon us. That season that for some seems like a happy time and for others not so much. I can to the realization about a month ago that as this year comes to a close there are some major changes I want to make in my life. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to write. I don't mean piddling around writing either. I want to finish my book that I keep starting and never finishing. I had the pleasure in November to meet one of my favorite Canadian Authors, Kelley Armstrong. I got a chance to talk to her for a little bit after her book signing. My biggest problem writting is that I am a constant editor. I never think it is ever good enough so I am at a stand still. She said to me to stop being the constant editor and just get it onto the paper. She said that we are allowed to write shit the first draft. Which makes sense. I have always found people tell me my poetry is really good but I just always passed it off and said ya ya whatever. The truth is I am afraid. I know sounds like a pretty stupid reason not to do something you love to do. Its a self esteem thing I think. Even though I know I dont suck we are all afraid of failure and disapointment. I know a grown up thought coming out of my mouth. At 34 years old I should think this way all the time. So my goal is to finish the rough draft of my book by the end of Next year by the latest. The other thing I want to change in my life is the fact that I love music and I want to play more and write more. One of the ways I hope to acheive this one is an old friend of mine named Ryan. He promised to get together with me and help me write some music. Which I am truely going to try and acheive. I also have decided I need to live a healthier life style so I am going to attept to deal with my obesity. I am happy the way I am but I do want to live longer and maybe have kids and grandkids one day. I look around me and I havent really been that happy kind of at a stand still. I love my friends, my family and my boyfriend I just feel like I am a little lost sometimes which hasnt made me the happiest person to be around the past couple of months. Some things need to move forward and I need to grow into my environment a little more again. I feel that I need something a little different in my life and I am going to try some new things to acheive that feeling. Just as the winter season has changed and become cold I to am going to change. I am going to love a little more, smile a little more and laugh alot more. I am going to be more like the me I am destined to be. Seasons greetings everyone!

Red Roses

Red Roses,
A simple symbol of love.
It was nice after 8 years finally to get some. For no reason but he was actually thinking about me. Nice to be thought of not because he did something wrong but because he actually was thinking about missing me. They are sitting on top of my TV stand in my front room now. I smile thinking how pretty they are. How something so simple can make you smile for awhile. Love is the question. How much love one person has for another. Is it truely enough to make you stay or is their something else that holds you around. Does one nice gesture make up for the times where you feel alone and taken advantage of? Its something to think about really. At least he finally realized he misses me when I'm not around.

October

Here we go again. October is upon us already. Weird how its already Fall. Where did the summer go? All the thoughts that run through the sunbunnies heads this time of year. I Think Yeah! Thanksgiving... then Halloween. Halloween is like christmas for me. I love it this time of year where I can step out of my bubble and be someone else. Yes I know I always tend to gravitate towards the Vampire. I have no idea the thrill or the thought being a Vampire is to me. I just wish I was one. There is this great qoute I heard "When all other little girls dreamed of being ballarina's I dreamed of being a vampire" I think all the time how great it would be. Its not the thought of blood drinking or being dead that I like its the living forever thing I think. A romantic notion of vampires. No not Edward Cullen; but Lestat! Oh yes I am a true lover of Edward Cullen too but in a fight Lestat wins my heart. His wit, his charm, his evil nature too I love him for his honesty. Yes its October and I relate it to Vampires how funny is that. Halloween is where I can be me. I suppose thats why I love it the way I do. October may be colder then August but its still my favorite time of year. Enjoy the spooks and treats this year my friends and remember in a fight.... Vampires will beat you everytime.

A new beginning: A piercing

Why does it seem something as small as a little piercing can raise such a controversy? Got my nosed pierced with Corkii last friday and it was a long time coming. We had planned on doing it in England but the more we want to go the less it seems to be happening right now. So a piercing? Lets start there. Called my parents to tell them because we were excited. Mom was ok like she always is but dad didn't say anything but "Here talk to your mother!" I've gotten so far in five days: "Why would you want to do that?", "If God wanted you to have holes in your body he would have given them to you!", "It looks cute on you!" Yet the more I see people's reaction the better it seems to get. I love it. Like I keep saying I am starting to find the more things I do for myself the happier things seem to make me. So if a nose being pierced makes me happy thats what I am going to do. mmmm Maybe I'll get another tattoo while I am at it. Join the "pierced/tattoo'd freek club". I know that what I have been getting for a long time. Inviduality doesn't seem to be an option for so many people. Even tho we are suppose to be able to express ourselves. So if a tiny piercing causes a heated discussion then so be it. I just hope that Corkii can survive it with her parents just like I have with mine. After all its an expression of who we are. Our own personal canvas so to speak!

A Long time Between blog's

So many things can take place in such a short time. I know blogging was who I was wanting to become. Take more time to explore writing. Explore who I was through writing is more like it. So here is a catch up. New apartment GREAT. Job alright. Summer holidays over and done already. Its september now which is almost my most favorite time of the year. A time for change. As I keep writing about but not exploring because as my friend Miki says its because I am still hiding who I really am. Its not that I am afraid of myself. I guess I am afraid of what certain people might think about certain things. I know a puzzel. I suppose when I am ready to explore that for the world I will share that. Corrina says that I have three lives. The one I share with her and the family, the one I have with my own family and lastly the one I share with my boyfriend and his family. I suppose she is right it is three different worlds really. The one I tend to be the most comfortable with is the one I cant share with everyone. I know its suppose to be a world of tolerence where no one judges but as I see more and more. Nothing has really changed. People are still facing the same racist attitudes they did fifty years ago. Here I go ranting on when really this started off about my own life. I guess for now, how dad sees me is how I live my life. Scary at 34 years old and I still care what my narrow minded father thinks. Dont get me wrong I love my dad like all girls do. But he is so narrow minded and wont accept my life if he knew everything. So for now I am in hiding.

Some people touch our lives for a reason

You know some people come into your life for a reason. The older I get the more the people I care about tend to leave this earth bound for a better exsistance. Today was another one of those days where someone I care about and respect has been taken from my life. Barry Irwin was one of those people who will truely be missed by all who knew him. Family and friends feel the loss of his soul today. Like a piece of us is lost. Although Pappy, wasn't biologically related to me he still was part of my family. He has made me laugh so many times since I've known him. I met him when I was 11 years old and I'm 34 now. He has always been thoughtful, caring and a genuine human being. I will miss his bugging me how my sex life is, If I am getting enough, how my boyfriend better be treating me good and all his how am I doing comments. He has touched my life and I am going to truely miss him. RIP Barry Irwin we will all miss you so much!

Moving day is right around the corner!

So moving day is vastly aproaching....its so frigging hot outside I am really sure if its this hot that someone is going to have heat stroke on saturday! Damage deposit is paid...truck is rented.... and thanks to my bestfriend my house is almost all packed and ready to go. Got Ryan, Thane, Meeshaw, corki, TJ, Bob, Paul and maybe even my dad to help me out. LOL! Logan has to work and he'll get to miss out on all the manual labour. I think he'll be better off at work in this heat. I am so glad that I have such great people in my life that offer to help me all the time because if it was just me and paul..... I'd be moved sometime next month LOL! Wish me luck folks as I embark in the heat on my empending move! PS Find some air conditioning somewhere and hide out!!! Its way to hot outside!

RIP Jackie Hutchinson

Today my heart is filled with such sadness. Although we've only known each other the past 15 months my dear friend you were so full of life. You have made me smile, laugh and cry. My prayers are with Joe and the girls in their time of sorrow. You were truely Ddub's soldier. These past months I've lived through your travels from concert to concert from the cruise to the today show. Living your dream as you trucked along having the time of your life. You have made my life so special with your warm wishes and your friendship. I shall truely miss you. RIP My friend. :-(

Drama?

I go away and I miss all the fun. Teenage drama is always a fun thing when your not a teenager anymore. My "kids" the teenagers that arent mine but I call them mine over the weekend decieded to be teenagers. Heartbreak, teenage angst. All the drama that you could possibly have when your a teenager took place. I laugh now at the memories from my past when the world felt like it was going to kill me. Makes you wonder how we ever survived being a teenager or a kid for that matter. The funny thing is no matter what happened when growing up we managed to pull through it all, unscathed for the most part but most definatly the wiser No matter what the action was. I figured catching up with what I missed was the end of it really. No such luck with that one. Ended way to late and for a stupid reason. I think that by the end of it at a really retarded hour this morning that I have even learnt something in the outcome. Never never never leave your bestfriend side when they are fighting with someone it makes them feel abandoned and alone and then in the end you get yelled at too. ;-)!

A new beginning

Well life is still up in the air.....however, I am going to officially be an apartment dweller as of August 1. Not to sure how I really feel about that but its a new beginning never the less. Time to spread my wings and grow I suppose. As scary as it is,the thought that I am leaving my comfort zone its almost a rush at the same time. Its going to be me; away from the family I most definatly love to death. Right now its a mixture of emotions and thoughts. Not to sure if I am confident I'll survive... Hydro, cable, rent lol. I have paid rent this whole time just with everything included. I guess I am paranoid I'm not going to really make it on my own. I dont know why I think that way but sometimes I do. Next step is new furniture lol. I know I wish I had the money to buy it now before I move but I guess I am going to have to do this in baby steps take it one day at a time. Kinda like cable lol and the internet see how renting goes first with out since really it is the summer time. Who should watch TV when there is so many other things to do outdoors right. A positive start is what I am calling this. WIsh me luck!

Tragedy

My poor little Trinity... My neice just can't win. It's the end of the softball season, we are doing awesome in the yearend tournament and we only have two games left. TJ breaks her thumb last night at the game. Broken thumb = 3.5 hours at Nanaimo General Hospital. She's out for the last two games of the year. However sad she might be she took it like a real pro. She is sad she is missing out but she was ok about it happening. "Its ball, it happens." You'd never know the little twelve year old monkey would think that way. She makes me so proud. Even though she is sad to miss the last two games she was still chuckling last night at 2:00 am when I took her home. I am proud of her attitude about it all. Tragic that we were doing so well, star pitcher out for the last game that matters. But we still beat that team last night which is the one we really wanted to beat. Good luck to my team the Silverbullets on your last two games.

A Poet's Life

A pen in my hand and I am comfortable.
Stress seems to melt away
allowing me to decompress what hides in the corners of my mind.
Muse, so much prompts me to lay word to paper these days.
Life is up in the air,
and it seems like things are being pushed farther then I want to actually take them.
Problems seem to fade away with written words.
Emotions are symbols in my life that allow me to be creative,
to be where I am truely happy.
Words lay the ground work
where I am not afraid to be who I really am.
Where everyday issues get shoved aside and make room for masterpieces.
It's a poets soul,
that stuggles within me,
wanting to be free of the everyday mundane
to be allowed to soar.

Sleepless in Nanaimo

Here I go again. It's almost 1:00am and I still can't sleep. I have tried it all. A shower, warm milk, reading, watching TV and now writting. I can't fall asleep. Trust me I have tried. Things in my life are up in their air right now. An impending move (NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT ONE) , issues in the love life, getting older and not being where I thought I'd be. I guess my brain is on overload. As hard as I have been trying I keep thinking .... My brain doesnt seem to want to turn off and relax. Thats the tough part. Relaxation I wish it came in a bottle that you could drink like an Redbull or a blended coffee drink from Starbucks. The guy/ girl that could bottle that one would be a millionaire. With lack of sleep my brain seems to wander and I tend to think more then ever. All I can say is I need a great pen pal with the sames hours I seem to be keeping and I'd be all set. Well world try and get some sleep I'll be thinking of you well you rest your werie eyes. Remember me and pray that I do fall asleep sometime soon.

Softball Season !

So this year corrina and I decided to take on two little league teams. Logan's age group 15-17 bantam boys and Trinity's age group 10-12 year old Squirt girls. How we usually love the game and the kids. This year I still love the game and most of the kids but some of their parents.... let's just say it this way... "No your kid is not the next Ken Griffie Jr or babe ruth so get over it!" Some people need to take a look at the way they treat other people and their own kids for that matter before passing any judgement on someone else. If you don't like the way we coach; get over it. You should have coached your own all star kids team if you wanted the responsibility. Hey and maybe just once we'd like to see your kid at a practice; then we wouldnt have to play them in the outfield the whole game or bench them more then once. It's not really fair to the other kids on the team.... OH YA THIS IS A TEAM SPORT! Maybe you'd like to come just so the other kids might learn something else for a change. Its hard to have a practice when your not all there. I know I am venting can't help it. I am tired of the crappy parents taking out their inability to bring there kid to something and trying to blame someone else for why their kid isnt learning the game. Welcome to the real world when you make a commitment to something your actually suppose to come to it.

Excuses from parents and kids this year:

1) Didnt bring my daughter because I was to tired to drive her. (no call to tell us she wasnt coming)
2) My daughter has to babysit (Its a ball night not like we havent had games the same two nights since april) and its only a practice (Oh ya if I remember her kids came to 3 practices the whole year so far)
3) I am not bringing my daughter she is at my house not her mom's this weekend and I dont want to drive her to the practice. (thats ok because she doesnt come when she's at her mom's either)
4) Did feel like coming today
5) Got food posioning (even tho he told another parent he didnt feel like coming)
6) showed up at the wrong field for practise (oh ya like they havent been at the same field since april)
7) Got stuck out at the mall, forgot it was a monday and we even had a game
8) Have a birthday party and I am tired so I didnt want to come (oh ya I worked all weekend 15 hour shifts and I am still there)
9) Slept through my alarm "why didnt you guys call me to wake me up" (not my responsibility to look after you. Your 17 should know how to wake up when your suppose to be up)
10) I'm sick. (oh ya for like 5 weeks straight)
11) My grandmothers bestfriends retirement party and I'm invited (she is 11) (wondering why she hasnt been to more then 3 practices all year mmm I am thinking she just doensnt want to really come)
12) I'm going to a movie with my friends
13) Want to hang out with my grandparents we are going for dinner (but watched the hockey playoff games instead)
14) I thought you said it was 6:00 pm and not 4:00pm (mmmm been the same time all year)
15) Went camping and didnt get home in time (Legit)
16) Was at a sleep over and didnt have any sleep so I didnt want to come
17) dance rehearsal for recietal (Legit)
18) Wasnt in town
19) Mom said I didnt have to come because she doesnt like your coaching (absolutly serious)
20) Don't want to play ball anymore so I'll just come to the games but not the practices

I am pretty sure that there are more that I can't remember. How hard is it to pick up the phone and call us if your not coming to a practice or a game already. We are all about the fun and learning not so much about the winning. Our girls have a 14-5-1 average,our boys well we've lost more then we've won. I wonder if it might be the lack of showing up for practices that have effected this outcome. I would say yes! How are we suppose to have any fun when you arent having any fun? Its suppose to be fun. Even some of our kids are beginning to ask why the others arent there. Seriously, why join a team sport and not bother to be there to participate!

New Day New Blog!

So today I really learnt how nice my friends are. Not just corrina, Mike and the kids....but one I met through Paul. I am writting this blog on my new lap top!! All I can do is say thank you to Harv he helped me out today too. I love this laptop because now I can write on the fly!!!! Travelling around the island with my new laptop is making me smile. I thank you friends who make me smile and help me out when I need it! I want to thank Dennis too for letting me use his table and internet all day to get me up and running I love it. Today I am blessed as well! I noticed that I do have people reading this now. Thanks to Meeshaw for posting the link to my babbling! You all make my world go around!

My Family keeps growing!

No I am not pregnant! I have been really lucky to meet some very interesting people on my journey through my 34 years. My own parents are the best. I wouldnt change who they are no matter what anyone thinks. My mom has always been my rock, one of my bestfriends. I can tell her anything. She knows me so well. My dad, sometimes judegmental; I love him so much for who he is. He is tough and I love him very much. What I have learned about sticking for your family I learnt from both my parents. My dad's youngest sister moved in with us when she was pretty young. She has been more like my sister then my aunt. So adopting other families into my own started early on in life. I adopted one family after another. I meet the Turner's in Courtenay when I was 13. Spent alot of time with their family being treated as one of them. A blessing they were through my whole teenage years and well into my adult life. Bruce and Carol are two of my favorite "Adults" , I hope I can pass on just one amount of love that they give everyone. I Meet the Rae's In courtenay as well. They are like my second family. They have always treated me as one of their kids. Yes they even grounded me a few times. Bert and Betty have been saviors to me growing up. The older I get the more I seem to find. Adding some great people into my growing "Family." I adopted the Greens as an adult. Bob and Genie are great I learn each day how to smile from them. I have already discussed Corrina, Mike and the kids. They are so special to me and I am blessed to have them in my life. Tonight on a drive to rescue corrina's uncle in crofton we talked about how I have kids even though they arn't biologically mine. Corrina's Kids are great. Logan's Friends have even adopted me now; so now I have more kids then one person is blessed to know. Thane is like having a grown up son, my ginger kid! And tonight I have added Miranda. She is a really sweet kid. It's like having Teenage kids. I didnt give birth too. :-) She refered to Corrina, Mike and I as really cool Adults. Which I find so sweet. I like to know that if they have a problem that they have someone they can talk to if they can't talk to their own parents. The goal I have had my whole life is to make a difference to someone. I finally feel I have. Even though they arnt really mine; They are. :-)!

I am so Blessed

I have no idea even where I am at today.... Confusion and loss maybe. It always seems like I start thinking about where I think I am in my life when I start to lose my mind. I think what have I done that ended me up here and now? When I was 19 life seemed pretty simple. Get married, Have a couple of kids, Buy a house, Teach... now at 34 I wonder where I am at in my life. Divorsed, no kids, no house and I am not teaching. Some may think that I am pretty unhappy about things but really I'm not. I think that I am blessed with a great family I was born with. A great family I have adopted (my bestfriend and her kids). I look around at my friends that I've lost and gained and I think how blessed it makes me to have known each and everyone. One of my friends is not afraid to be who SHE wants to be no matter what anyone might think of her. She is strong. I on the other hand seem weak in comparision. I have always said I am not afraid of who I am or who I wanted to be . Lately, on the other hand, I am not so sure. I am at that crossroads where fear sets in and tries to take over who you are. Making you doubt your choices. I think that even though I am afraid at least those closest to me know me well enough to understand me. I am surrounded by people who are truely non-judgemental. People who like me for the crazy me, the quiet me, the romantic me, the angry me, the shy me, the loud abnoxious me and the poetical me. That makes me blessed to know that My bestfriends son refers to me as his dad to all his friends, regardless of what they might think. I am blessed her daughter looks at me and says whats on her mind. I am blessed her youngest hugs me and tells me he loves me to the moon. It makes me think I have made an impact on someone else and who they are turning out to be. Today, even though, I think I am lost and at a crossroads with who I am and what I really want in my life; I know one thing I am truly blessed for and that is for the amazing people I have around me that share my life and my everyday life!

If today was your last day?

If today was your last day.....What do you think you'd do? No one really ever thinks that today is the day; but it does happen. The older you are the more likely it's going to happen. No one goes to bed and says goodbye for the last time. We all expect to be here when we wake up. Live each day like its your last. Never forget who you are or where you come from. Remember to take chances because tommorow may never come. There are no Coincidences in life. No second chances because you only live once. Live it like it means something. Do not go through life thinking its a free ride. Because tommorow you might now be here to enjoy the simple things. Kiss your loved ones like its the last time, love like its the only time its going to happenl.

Today

mmm its where to start....sometimes its easier I think to say goodbye to something. There is this saying that goes "If you love something set it free. If it returns to you it was ment to be. If it doesnt then it was never ment to be" Today is a hard day. Blogging strangly enough seems to sooth my soul. I don't know how you let go of something you love. Whether its a good friend or a lover , a soul mate, a death in your family even a pet eventually you might have to let it go.

Untilted for Ty

I remember the night it happened,
See the blood,
Hear the bullet as it enters his body.
Remember the scream….
Is it me, I’m not sure anymore,
Things are going by like a swift December wind.
Watched him tumble to the ground,
Like a mass of broken bricks.
I tried to catch him, but couldn’t move…
….Frozen as if paralysis had taken over,
I regained my strength,
And rushed to his side,

…I cried…
I felt for a pulse, a heartbeat, something,
To know he was still alive.
But there was so much crimson blood,
Instinct told me to hinder it,
Reached out slowly, covered the holes with my hands,
Never realized how fast blood flowed
Or how much there was in the human body.
“Oh God”
“It’s on my sweater!”
I kept rubbing…
..it moved further up my arms before long,
they were infested with it.
“how long can he survive like this?”
Have to get him out of here.
“Help me get him in the car. I don’t want him to die!”
Someone told me not to bother…
I refused to believe,
He couldn’t be.

Not now,
Not after everything we’ve been through,
Threw myself to his blood ridden chest.
Someone pulled me off
“Say goodbye”
they took me home that night ,
covered in his blood.
He’s dead, I live.
Washing it off seemed to take forever.
It feels like its still there….
On my hands,
On my face,
On my clothes.
No funeral, and to everyone who knew him,
…No Body….

The Ancient Japanese Garden

There is a coldness in the air.
The frost has disappeared,
And the fish have been replaced.
Looking into the murky water,
The red licorice fish swim.

On a cedar bench,
The porceline, china dolls watch,
The dance of the warrior,
Buried in an ancient Japanese garden.
Solitude has brought them to life
Day dreaming in the garden.